Bartender Chronicles: Dodged a Bullet

Circa 2002: The Standard Hotel, Rooftop Bar, DTLA.

It was the afterparty for the Ghost Ship premiere. It was a huge event. There was a rock band with a professional concert stage, media equipment, photographers, entertainment reporters, and private security. Over 500 invitations were sent out. More than 300 people RSVP’d that they were coming. However, all the “extras” to transform The Roof into a Hollywood spectacle came with a cost. It cut down on the square footage; therefore, the 300-person occupancy had to be reduced so the roof didn’t collapse into the 12th floor. The Fire Marshall maxed the head count at 150 people. And that included Rooftop staff.  

The situation was a PR nightmare for the hotel and event organizers. While maintenance removed couches, heat lamps, and anything that would create more room and less weight, the downstairs lounge and restaurant spun into chaos. They prepared for an overflow, not a tsunami. The army of Rooftop cocktail waitresses was cut down to three, and half the bar staff was sent home just so another dozen people could be let in. Looking over the ledge, the line was out the door and around the corner. Half the cast of the movie couldn’t get to the roof.  

I was working the main bar with two other bartenders and a barback. It was a small, three-sided bar. We were four deep at every angle, plus service bar. To say we were slammed would be a gross understatement. It was an open bar, but we still had to ring in drinks on the computer for one ginormous production company bar tab, which included an automatic gratuity. Not having to deal with credit cards, tabs, and cash was glorious. We went into machine mode and pounded out endless cocktails.

But the clock was ticking. The machine was starting to smoke.

Customers complained that we short-poured or used cheap liquor instead of what they had asked for, claiming they could taste the difference, despite having watched us build the cocktail right in front of them. Some complained about our beer selection, and so it went. This type of customer abuse was typical for the service industry, but because it was a Hollywood event, the self-entitlement and condescension were next-level and relentless.

The crowd was a blend of young and young-ish Hollywood actors, Socialites, and Hipsters. Fleeting glances into the crowd allowed me to catch a glimpse of Gabriel Byrne and Julianna Margulies giving interviews, Paris Hilton flitting about, and Pam Anderson poised with a champagne flute in her hand, flanked by men desperately wanting to be seen with her. Every other face I served garnered the fleeting thought …Cool, that so and so, followed by, Wow, what a bitch, and God, he’s a dick.

The night was rapidly descending into hell. Then Satan herself arrived and wanted a double shot of chilled Grey Goose.

“I’m sorry, we’re not allowed to serve shots, let alone doubles, during the event.” I recognized her immediately. She was one of the girls on Charmed. 

“Are you joking?” By the look on her face, even if I was joking, she wouldn’t have found it funny.

“Sorry, it’s one of the clauses in the Rider for the event. Whether it’s from the studio or the PR team, I don’t know. We were told no shots. So…?”

“I don’t give a shit about your excuses. Do you know who I am? Get me a double shot of Grey Goose. Chilled. Now.”

One of the other bartenders within earshot rolled his eyes. I had to fight not to roll mine, and instead, I smiled, “I could chill it and pour it into a martini glass and serve it to you that way.” It was a solution for both of us. With all the crazy and illegal shit that happened on The Roof, the hotel GM routinely scanned the security footage, especially after events. I wasn’t about to get fired because of this pint-sized chick. I attempted to explain that it would only look like a martini and not actually be one. It was about appearances for the camera over my shoulder, and she could still shoot it back.

“I didn’t ask for a martini. What the fuck is wrong with you? Put it in a rocks glass. Jesus. Do your fucking job.”

My interaction with her had already taken too long. She was choosing to be difficult, and I chose to be done with her. “You got it.” I filled a rocks glass with ice and poured in what would fit, which was about a shot and a half. I set it in front of her and tossed her a “Have a great night,” as I stabbed a sip straw into the ice and moved on to the next customer.

“What the fuck is this?”

My arms were already back in motion, making several cocktails simultaneously, but my stern gaze locked with hers. “It’s exactly what you wanted, it’s just in the process of chilling.”

I think it was the mix of contempt and gloating in my voice and the smirk on my face that set her off. She sucked up the vodka through the sip straw and then launched the ice at my face followed by the glass before vanishing into the crowd. Everyone froze, mouths agape, all eyes on me, waiting to see what I would do.

I seethed.

“At least she didn’t waste the Goose,” some guy joked. It broke the tension, but I still glared at him as I brushed water and ice chips off the front of my red tank top and Dickies skirt with my hands. “Too soon?”

“You okay?” one of the other bartenders asked. Her voice held concern but was void of shock. While it was the first time it happened to me, it wasn’t the first drink/glass/stack of napkins to be thrown at a Rooftop bartender.

I think I growled as a response. The glass missed my head, but a good amount of wet ice hit the side of my face and neck. My uniform drank in the beads of diluted vodka.  

“I’ll tell security,” said our barback. He handed me a clean bar towel before dashing under the service bar counter flap.

I was livid, but we were too busy for me to walk it off. I had to stuff it down into the mix of all the other microaggressions I endured, pat myself dry, and do my fucking job.   

And that’s when the kids from That ’70s Show showed up.

They gathered at the corner of the bar like a small pack. Topher, Danny, Laura, Ashton, with then girlfriend, Brittany Murphy, and Jeremy Sisto. The others in their group huddled behind them. The crowd breached, giving a few of them prime space at the bar counter. They were in good spirits, with positive energy, and all smiles.   

All I could think was, Jesus, more fucking actors.

I accidentally made eye contact with Topher, which he interpreted as an opportunity to order drinks and launched into, “Hey! How ya doin’? Can I get a…what kind of beers you got?”

There were at least half a dozen people ahead of him, but nobody seemed to care, so I engaged. He then proceeded to order drinks. One. At. A. Time. For those of you who have never been in the service industry, it went something like this:

“I’ll take a Coors Lite.”

“What else?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Hang on.” He turned back to his friends.

*While he was figuring it out, I got and opened the beer.

“Can I get an Absolute and cranberry?”

“What else?”

“Uh, hang on…”

*I got to my well that I was sharing with the bartender working service, keeping my eyes on him, waiting for him to turn back and give the rest of the drink order. But he didn’t, and I stepped back to him.

As soon as the drink was in front of him, he said, “I need a Stoli and tonic.”

“What else?”

“One second…” Again, he turned to his friends.

*I felt everyone’s eyes on me, and the pressure building. Again, I stepped to the well to make the drink, hoping he’d turn back before I put the drink down in front of him. I could see that he was with a bunch of people and anticipated a decent-sized order. When I realized what was happening, I should have abandoned him. I should have incorporated other customers. But I didn’t. I got tunnel vision and was unable to veer off.

Topher turned back, referring to the Stoli tonic I had just put down, “Can I get another one of these?”

This is when it felt as if someone had flicked my forehead. “Are you kidding me with this one drink at a time shit right now?” I threw my hands up, exasperated. I looked Topher dead in the eyes and said, “You can memorize pages of dialogue and set directions, but you can’t remember a handful of cocktails?”

Topher was flabbergasted, as were his friends who were in earshot. The customers who flanked them were also flabbergasted, but amused because they were still waiting to order.

I made the drink and put it in front of him. “Get the rest of the order together and then come back.” As Topher stammered and muttered ‘Oh my God,’ I turned my attention to the young woman next to him, who then rapid-fired her list of cocktails. I looked at him, pointed at her, and said. “Like that. Just like that. Please.”

As Topher turned away, I heard Laura say, her voice very distinct, “What a bitch. Forget her.”

As Jeremy reached for the beer on the bar top, he leaned toward me and said in a Dad tone, as if reprimanding a child, “What is your problem? Jesus Christ, can’t you be nice?”

Without hesitation, I snapped, “Jesus Christ, can’t you make movies people want to see?”

Shock, insult, confusion, he looked as if I had stabbed him in the chest with a plastic fork before stepping back into the crowd. My next few customers followed protocol to a T.

“Hey, Kristine,” it was the voice of the bar manager from over my shoulder. He leaned across the service bar, “I heard what happened. You okay?” I turned to look at him and said nothing. “Okay! Let’s rotate you out of here. Go to the wine bar by the pool and send them here.”

I immediately left the main bar, marched through the crowd, and up the stairs to the far corner of the deck where the temporary bar was stationed. There were far fewer people and less noise. Everyone was downstairs because that’s where the celebrities were. In contrast, the deck was a completely different entity, a different vibe, a different generation. People mingled about or were paired off in conversations. No one was camped at the wine bar, and when I stepped behind it, the pressure and frustration fell away. I could finally breathe.       

Later, Danny Masterson meandered onto the deck and approached the wine bar. I smiled, “Care for a glass of wine?”

Danny rattled the ice in what was left of what looked like a Stoli and tonic. “I’m good, thanks.” He looked around. “It’s quiet up here.”

“Yes, wine doesn’t have the same frenzied popularity as the harder spirits.” I had poured maybe five glasses of wine since stepping behind the bar.  

He glanced at the crowd on the lower level. “Yeah, it’s little crazy down there. It’s not always like this, right?”

“Um, yeah. It kinda is just not as condensed or understaffed.” I briefly explained the occupancy issue. “But, it’s a beautiful night and you can’t beat the view.” Standing at only 12 stories, the hotel was surrounded by skyscrapers.

Danny glanced around at the neighboring buildings, illuminated office lights peppered their silhouettes, taking a moment to appreciate the view. “Are those people?”

I didn’t have to look. “Yup.” From the first day the hotel opened, day or night, The Roof was a white-collar voyeur’s wet dream. Celebrities, movie and TV filming, people having sex in the waterbed pods, women sunbathing or swimming naked, it was a wonder anyone in the surrounding offices got any work done. “I’ve seen a bunch with binoculars. We’re definitely in a fishbowl. Feel free to wave.”

“Wave?”

“Wave.” I faced the closest building and waved. Danny didn’t wave. “Seriously, wave with me.” I waved again, and this time he gave a shy wave.  

Danny burst into laughter and pointed, “That dude over there waved back!”

“Told ya, fishbowl.” I paused, and then said, “Hey, um, I’m sorry I yelled at your friends earlier. I could have handled that better. Waaay better.” I didn’t go into details about what had happened minutes prior, or Topher’s poor bar etiquette.

Danny shrugged, “It’s not a big deal. We get yelled at all the time on set.”

“Be that as it may,” I mused, “it was a little psycho of me, and I feel bad. Topher didn’t deserve that.”

“I’m sure he’s over it, and you seem sane now,” he mused back with a smile.

“So, we’re chalking it up to temporary insanity?”

“That seems appropriate.” Danny took a sip of his drink and slipped his free hand into his pants pocket. “Can I…buy you a drink?”

I laughed, “Funny.”

He was confused, “Why is that funny?”

It took me a second to realize he was serious. “Um,” I said with a smile. “It’s an open bar. It’s free. I thought you were making a joke.”

“Oh!” He laughed at the irony of his intention. “Then…can I get you something from the other bar?”

“Are you offering to fight your way through that crowd to get me a beverage of my choice, and then fight your way all the way back here?” I put my hands over my heart and batted my eyes.

“If that’s what I gotta do, I’ll do it,” he said with a firm nod of his head.

He’s fucking adorable, I thought. “That’s sweet of you. Thank you. Unfortunately, we’re not allowed to drink during our shifts. Actually,” I said as if I had just realized it for the first time, “we’re not even allowed to come here on our off nights and drink.” It was a hotel rule. Unless we had permission from the MOD, we could get fired. And, if we were on the roof, we had better be in uniform.

“Understood, understood,” he said, his hand still in his pocket. “Can I…maybe on one of your nights off…buy you a drink at a place you don’t work?” He spoke slowly, choosing his words based on the limitations.

He was shy and confident at the same time. There was no ego, no expectations. He was cute, funny, and charming. Except for pouring a few glasses of wine for guests, it felt like we were already kind of on a mini date. I couldn’t help but smile, “Yeah. I’d like that.”

“Great. Can I get your number?”

“I’d love to give you my number, but I can’t.” This was before cell phones were attached to everyone’s hands, and getting a phone number in a bar required the person to physically write it down on a napkin. “Hotel policy. And more eyes are watching The Roof than the ones in the neighboring buildings.” I nodded my chin to the security camera in the corner.

“I see.” Danny turned to that camera and waved. “Do you want my number?”

“Yes, please,” and I handed Danny a pen.

He wrote his name and number on a napkin, then folded it in half. He hesitated. “Am I allowed to hand it to you, or do I put it down and walk away?”

He’s fucking adorable. I laughed, “You can hand it to me. I’ll put it in my tip bucket and take it out at the end of the night.”

“Cool.” Danny handed over the napkin.

I snuck a peek at it before dropping it into the bucket. It was his first name, his number, and a little smiley face.

Danny was about to say something when an exasperated Ashton appeared at the top of the steps. “Dude! We’ve been looking for you. We’re heading out.”

“Alright,” Danny said casually. “I’ll find you guys in a minute.” Ashton huffed and retreated down the stairs. He turned back to me, “I guess I’m leaving. It was nice meeting you.”

“It was nice to meet you, too. I’ll talk to you soon.”

He nodded with a slight smile, “Looking forward to it.”

I watched him walk down the stairs unhurriedly and disappear into the crowd of people. For the next thirty minutes, I stood there and smiled, mind wandering, until one of the bartenders appeared. My reprieve was over; I was getting rotated back into the mayhem.

As the celebrities began leaving, the crowd thinned dramatically. When the open bar closed at midnight and people suddenly had to pay, The Roof practically cleared out. Regular customers and the diehards who waited all night to get to The Roof finally arrived in one last rush. The place was trashed, and anybody worth seeing was long gone. Last call was a breeze, but the clean-up was daunting. With a reduced staff, it took longer to clean, take inventory, and restock.

One of the other bartenders was tasked with counting tips, which is not as fun as it may sound. Straightening bills, sorting them, calculating tip-outs, cashing in, and dividing is time-consuming and, at times, gross. I completely forgot about Danny’s number until I was handed a stack of cash.

“…There was a phone number on a napkin I actually wanted.”

“Yeah, there were a bunch of phone numbers. I put them in a pile as I went.” We looked over at the spotless, gleaming red Formica bar top. “I don’t know what happened to them. Probably got thrown out. Sorry.”

“Bummer,” I said, and went home. I never saw Danny in person again.  

******************************************

*I’m sorry, Topher Grace.

*I’m sorry, Jeremy Sisto. I truly enjoyed May and your performance on Law & Order.

Tales of a Scapegoat

I didn’t see it coming. Usually, I never did. There was a surprise, explosive pain to the back of my head, followed by a weird numbing sensation throughout my body as I was thrown to the floor. Suddenly, my older brother was on top of me. My shoulders were pinned to the forest green carpet by his knees, and he sat on my upper body, eliminating any defense or escape. It was a move he perfected over the years from all the times I got away.   

Just minutes before, I was arguing with my younger sister in the living room. She was on the stairs. My back was to the kitchen. …Something about sneakers. Despite being years older and a good foot and a half taller than her, we had the same shoe size. Only once had I mistakenly worn her sneakers; they were by the back door, and I thought they were mine. In a normal family, a simple, “Oh, sorry, my mistake,” would have been sufficient. In my family, it was another outlet. From that day forward, any dirt or new scuff mark on them HAD to be done by me because she believed I was secretly wearing her sneakers.

I wasn’t.

It was dumb sibling bickering.  

However, our arguing set off my brother, and I was his target. I was always his only target. The blows to my head started. Repeatedly. One after the other. Not to my face. Never to my face. Well, not since that time he couldn’t explain his way out of why I had a black eye. (He got grounded for a weekend, and I had to say I fell.) Left and right punches to my head, his face twisted with rage while screaming “I HATE YOU” over and over.

I screamed for help, but mostly I just screamed. My parents weren’t home. My grandmother was napping in her room. My sister continued to accuse me of wearing her sneakers.

Five, six, seven, eight. Maybe nine, maybe twenty fists to my head before they stopped, and he put his hands around my throat. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t turn my head. I couldn’t fight back. I felt my face getting hot as I heard the thundering of my heart over the ringing in my ears. All sounds became muffled, and my sister, who was still yelling at me about her sneakers, sounded like she was at the end of a tunnel. My brother seethed one last “I HATE YOU” before spitting in my face.

His eyes were black with rage, and a Joker-like grin spread across his face. The panic. The fear. The complete helplessness. My vision dimmed. My thought, he’s really going to kill me this time.

Suddenly, air filled my lungs with one desperate gasp. I glanced up. Behind my brother stood my grandmother with a broom. She was hitting him with it, yelling at him to stop, to get off me, to leave me alone. She whacked him in the face with it, and he jumped up to grab the broom. She yelled, “RUN!” I scrambled to my feet, bolted up the stairs, and down the hall to my room. I locked the door, and as I pushed my dresser across the room, I heard the weight of his body slam against the thin wood.

The lock wasn’t really a lock. It was one of those cheap doorknobs that could be unlocked if you stuck your fingernail in the slit and turned it. But it was enough of a hindrance for me to get my dresser in place that when he got it unlocked, he couldn’t open the door. It was a move I perfected over the years from all the times I got away.

He was mad. Almost rabid. He threw himself against the door a few times, screaming that he was going to kill me, he hated me, and that I was going to pay. I heard the wood crack under each blow. The drawers rattled, but my dresser didn’t budge. I was safe. But I was also trapped. I had a phone in my room, but who could I call? Not my parents, they were at work. I’d get in trouble for bothering them. Not my friends. I couldn’t tell them about the routine violence. It was embarrassing. Besides, all my friends liked my brother. He was popular-ish. Good looking-ish. Funny. Nice. No one would believe me. And, even if they did, there was nothing they could do.

The police? No, no, I couldn’t do that. That would embarrass my parents.

I wrapped myself in my comforter and sat on the floor of my room, trying to sob quietly. A few minutes later, everything was quiet. Too quiet. I knew better. I pictured him hiding in the adjacent bathroom in the dark, waiting, listening for me to pull the dresser away from the door so he could charge in and finish the beating he started. I fell for that before. Twice. The second time, I waited over an hour, convinced he had gotten bored and left. I was wrong.

Because he couldn’t get to me physically, the psychological attack began. An hour would go by, and he’d scratch at the door like a rat, “I’m waiting for you. And I’m going to kill you.” Thirty minutes after that, “The longer you wait to come out, the worse it’s going to be.” Then came the insults, I’m fat, ugly, nobody likes me. I was stupid, a loser, and he’d be doing everyone a favor by killing me. My sister even tried to lure me out by saying he was gone. I fell for that once before, too.

At some point, I fell asleep. Maybe from emotional fatigue, maybe from a concussion, but when I woke up, it was dark. I could hear my grandmother’s TV through our shared wall. She only watches TV after dinner when she retires to her room for the night. That meant my mother was home. As quietly as I could, I pulled the dresser away from the door and listened. I heard noises in the kitchen, confirming my mother was home. I threw open the door and ran as fast as I could down the hall, past the bathroom, through the living room, and into the kitchen.

That night’s dinner had been cooked, served, and eaten. The remainder of it sat in casserole dishes on the table. The plates and silverware had been cleared except for the untouched setting in front of my chair. My father was still at work, but my mother had been home for hours. She stood at the sink washing dishes.

Her back was to me. I approached from the side, tears welling up in my eyes. “…Mom.” It came out as a raspy whisper with only a hint of my voice. She turned her head to me. I heard her gasp. And, for a split second, I saw her shock before she turned back to the dishes in the sink.

“Your brother already told me what happened. I don’t need to hear it again.” It was her standard dismissive response. He got to her first. He always got to her first with a watered-down version of what happened. He’d confess to just enough to make it sound believable but not enough to get in any real trouble. And she always believed him.

“No, Mom, you don’t know what he did.” She wouldn’t look at me. She couldn’t look at me because if she did, she would see the bruises on my neck or the terror in my eyes, still puffy and swollen from crying for hours.   

“Yes, I do. He told me. He admitted it was bad and said it won’t happen again.”

“Mom! He was strangling me! Ask Gram! She saw it! She stopped him!”

“She’s old. She doesn’t know what she saw. You always do this. You always make things bigger than what actually happened. And you know how he gets. Why do you provoke him?”

For as long as I stood there trying to tell my side of what happened, my mother continued to wash dishes without looking at me or responding. She had made up her mind and tuned me out. This, too, was another lesson I had learned.

As I headed back to my room, my mother said over her shoulder, as if an afterthought, “And don’t go to your father with this. He works hard and doesn’t want to hear any of this crap when he gets home.”

I went back to my room defeated and exhausted. Since I wasn’t allowed to wedge the dresser against the door at night in case of an emergency anymore, I set up my DIY booby traps to wake me up if someone opened my door while I was sleeping. It was the only protection I had.

*The provocation for my attempted murder was because, while arguing with my sister, my “big mouth” interfered with my brother watching TV in the adjacent wreck room.

Family Ties

When he died, Carol and Edward’s father had an unexpected final request. The urgent call summoned them to the office of their deceased father’s lawyer and executor of his estate, Malcolm DeVenny.

Edward picked Carol up from the hotel where she had been staying for the duration of the funeral planning and drove to DeVenny’s office. She claimed she wanted space to grieve during the process. He was a little hurt by her decision not to stay with him. However, still a bachelor, he was also relieved he didn’t have to put any effort into accommodating her at his place.

At the office, Carol and Edward sat in front of DeVenny’s desk and watched him pull out a stack of manilla envelopes from a deep drawer. He set aside a white letter-sized envelope from the stack. DeVenny was tall and impeccably dressed, but even his expensive suit couldn’t conceal his gangly stature. The rich black material of his jacket only highlighted his sallow skin and cheekbones so prominent that they looked like they could slice through a tin can. He gently picked up the white envelope with two bony fingers and extended it to Carol. 

“As you know, your father and I have been friends for many years. Not once did he require my council. The day before he committed suicide, he disclosed a secret he had been keeping for most of his life and asked for my help.” The velvety baritone of his voice was a striking contradiction to his physical appearance. “I was instructed to give this letter to the both of you five days after your father was in the ground.”

Carol took the white envelope. She and Edward stared at it, their excitement suddenly tinged with trepidation.

“Inside that envelope,” DeVenny continued, “contains your father’s last requests.” He then offered Edward three of the manilla envelopes.

Carol’s eyes flickered between the stack in front of DeVenny and the ones in Edward’s hands. “What’s in those,” she asked, nodding her chin toward the envelopes still on his desk.

“They will be opened in accordance with your completion or noncompliance of his requests,” DeVenny said matter-of-factly. “At this time, I have no other details to give you,” he said, returning the remaining envelopes to a desk drawer.

“Yeah,” scoffed Edward. “That sounds like dad.”

“Fine.” Carol hastily yet neatly pried the white envelope flap from its seal and removed a sheet of ruled notebook paper.

DeVenny stood, “I’m going to step out into the hall.”

Carol and Edward stared at him questioningly as he glided out from behind the desk and closed the door behind him. Carol brushed wisps of brown hair from her face as her eyes quickly scanned the hand-written page.  

“What the hell are these? Maps?” Edward said, pulling a single sheet of slightly yellowed notebook paper from each of the envelopes. He turned them in different directions to figure out the top from the bottom of the crude hand-drawn diagrams.

Carol looked horrified. “This has got to be a joke.”

“Let me see,” Edward snatched the paper from Carol’s hand, an action which, typically, irritated her but this time barely registered. His eyes scanned the black ink written words. By mid-page, he shared the same horrified expression as his sister. “What the actual fuck?” He looked on the backs of the papers and on the envelopes for more writing, but they were blank.

“Did I read that right?” Carol stared at the letter in Edward’s hands with disbelief. “He wants us to cut off his hands? From his dead body?”

Edward shook his head as he stared at the words. “I know these are unconventional requests,” he read aloud from the paper. “But it is of the utmost importance that, on the day you read this letter, the two of you retrieve the three lockboxes and my hands and bring them to Mr. DeVenny before midnight. He has the key to the lockboxes and will know what to do. All your questions will be answered after.”

“Jesus Christ,” Carol muttered.

“Unconventional,” Edward laughed. “Uh, more like unethical. Unlawful. Unbelievable. He can’t be serious.” He looked at his watch. “It’s already four p.m.”

Carol took the map with the number One written at the top of it from Edward and examined it. “175 Old Ranch Road. I know where this is. It’s not too far from here. It’s mom and dad’s first house. Mom had pictures of me when I was little on the tree swing in the backyard.” Carol tapped the X on the map with her finger.

“I don’t remember that house.”

“You wouldn’t. We moved shortly after you were born.”

Edward got up from the chair, dropped the remaining papers onto the seat, and stepped to the door. “DeVenny knows more than he’s telling us.” He pulled the door open and stepped into the corridor.

Carol grabbed the other two maps and examined them, her eyes filled with recognition.

“He’s gone. No, this isn’t sketchy at all,” Edward said sarcastically as he re-entered the room.

“I recognize these places, too.” Carol held up the drawings. “This one is where we lived until Mom left,” she stated, referring to the second paper, numbered Two. “And this is the house we moved into after that one, where dad lived until…,” she trailed off as she stared at the third paper, numbered Three. “The maps are numbered in the order we lived in the houses.”  

Edward took one of the maps and sat down, taking a better look at it.

“Getting the boxes should be easy enough,” Carol pondered aloud.

“You’re not seriously considering going on this twisted scavenger hunt, are you?” Edward refused to mask his disgust.

“Aren’t we kinda obligated?”

“This doesn’t sound like something dad would do. Okay, yeah, he could be secretive and cryptic at times, but….” Edward threw his hands up, “This is weird, even for him.”

“Yeah, cutting off his hands is a disturbing request, but…,” the sides of Carol’s lips curled slightly, and her eyes narrowed. “Don’t you want to know what’s in the boxes?”

Twenty minutes later, Edward’s Honda Civic turned onto Old Ranch Road. Carol sat in the passenger’s seat, reading and rereading their father’s letter, trying to make sense of it. 

“This was our old neighborhood?” Edward frowned at the passing small Cape Cod-style homes, most of which were weather-worn and ill-maintained.

 “I don’t know how long Mom and Dad lived here before I was born. I guess they bought it in the 80s. I think I was three years old in the photo Mom had. If I’m remembering it correctly, the date on the back of it was 1992.”

“Did he plan this that far back?” Edward’s mind continued to spin. “Do you think Mom knew about the boxes?”

“If we knew where she was, we could ask her,” Carol said, a hint of everlasting bitterness from their mother’s unexpected abandonment. A thought raced into Carol’s mind as she stared at Edward’s profile, “What are we going to say to the people who live there now? Hi, our dead father buried something in your backyard a few decades ago. Mind if we go get it?”

Edward’s brows furrowed as he fixated on an approaching house. “I don’t think we’re going to have a problem.”

“Why?” Picking up on his sudden change in mood, she looked forward. “Is that it?” She, too, stared at the approaching house as the car rolled to a stop in front of it.

The numbers on the dirty tin mailbox, 175, matched the numbers on their father’s map. The charred shell of the house was similar in size to the others on the street. The lingering pungent odor of sour smoke hinted the catastrophic fire happened somewhat recently. Carol and Edward wrinkled their noses as they got out of the car.

“I have a bad feeling about this,” Edward said as they stood at the mouth of the driveway.

“Doomsday, Edweird,” Carol playfully mocked.

“That’s not funny.” Edward felt his childhood neurosis flare. 

Blackened skeletons of incinerated foliage lined the foundation of the house, leading around to the backyard. Brittle leaves clung to the marred branches of the large tree in the front yard and loudly scratched and scraped against one another in the breeze.

The siblings stared at the house. Without a word, Carol boldly padded up the empty driveway toward the back of the house with the map in her hand and the inherent defiance of a firstborn child.

Edward opened his mouth to protest but decided against it. It wouldn’t have stopped her. He glanced around at the neighboring houses, expecting to see side-swept curtains and peering faces in windows. But no one was looking, which added to his unease.  

Edward rounded the corner of the house to the backyard as Carol circled the old Burr oak tree, glancing between the map and the scorched ground surrounding it. The tree trunk was massive, with branches the circumference of car tires. The ones facing the back of the house had suffered minor damage from the inferno.

“This is the tree,” Carol held up the map for Edward to see. She looked up at the lowest branch. “The swing was on this one,” she took a few paces away from the trunk and looked down at her feet. “According to the map, the box should be here.”

“Okay,” Edward said, glancing around. “I’ll look for a shovel.” Before he could step away, Carol was on her knees, raking the dirt with her hands. “Carol, stop. I’ll find a shovel.” 

“We don’t need a shovel. Look,” she said, moving mounds of soil with ease. The earth was still soft and pliable from the fire’s runoff water, allowing her to quickly dig deep into the earth.

“You’re going to get dirty! I’ll find a shovel!”

“Jesus, it’s just dirt.” Carol ignored him and continued to dig.

Edward supervised with annoyance but turned his thoughts toward the house. “What do you think caused the fire?”

“An act of God.”

“That’s not funny.”

Carol chuckled at how easy it was to provoke him. As she continued to rake the dirt, her face suddenly brightened with surprise. “I feel something!” She rapped her knuckles against the surface of something hard under a layer of moist dirt and accelerated her digging. “It’s a box,” she declared after expanding the hole on all sides. “Help me lift it out!”

Edward slipped his hands down the sides, and together, they excavated a deep, 10 x 11 metal box. Setting it down on the loose mound of soil, they stared at it. Corrosion had settled into the seams, and pools of rust ate away at the mat finish on the lid. The number one was drawn on the lid.

“Well, ain’t this a kick,” Carol said, her voice barely louder than a whisper.  

“It definitely looks like it’s been there for thirty years.”

“What do you think is in it?” Carol’s eyes were wide with excitement. The silver plating on the lock, blemished with black mold, flaked off onto her thumb as she brushed away the dirt. 

“I don’t know,” Edward said, taking hold of the box and shaking it. Something inside shifted with a THUNK. It’s heavy-ish. “It could be anything.”

“Maybe it’s money.”

“Yeah, maybe. It could also be a couple of books or photo albums.” Edward turned the box around in his hands.

“But why bury books or pictures? And why wait until after he died to let us know about it?” Carol stared hard at the box as if trying to see inside it.

For once, Edward didn’t have an answer and tried to pry open the lid with his fingers. He was unsuccessful and put it down on the ground. “Okay, what if it is money?” he asked, brushing the dirt off his clothes. “Why bury it? Why not leave it to us in his will with the rest of his stuff?” Edward was stumped by his own questions.

Carol thought for a moment. “Maybe it was stolen.”

“Like dad was a bank robber or something?” The concept seemed ridiculous until Edward verbalized it.

“Think about it,” Carol’s excitement began to effervesce. “Dad was disciplined and strict. He was smart but also antisocial. I don’t ever remember him having friends over or going out with the guys.”

“Dad was a lot of things,” Edward reminded.

“Okay, yeah, but back then? That was the classic profile for a bank robber.”

“I think you watch too much crime TV.”

“Come on! Didn’t he travel a lot for work?” Carol emphasized work with air quotes.

“He did pay for everything with cash,” Edward reluctantly admitted.

They gazed at each other in silence as their minds raced. Imagination and memories collided and conflated until the theory became a possibility.

Edward hit the brakes. “Wait a minute,” he said. “If this is a stash of money, why the hell do we have to cut off his hands?”

Carol stood up and pondered for a moment. She gasped. “Fingerprints!”

“Huh?”

“Back then, they didn’t use DNA yet. They caught people by fingerprints.” Carol’s revelation gushed like a wild river. “The money in this box could be well over thirty years old. We can’t just spend it! We’d have to take it to the bank. It could throw up red flags, and somebody might investigate. Maybe he anticipated the money or whatever is in these boxes could be traced back to him by his fingerprints. And if they exhumed his body to get them, and he doesn’t have his hands, they wouldn’t be able to prove it!”

Edward stared at Carol in disbelief.

“Of course, I’m assuming that, because he didn’t need DeVenny before this, Dad was never arrested. They have thousands of unidentified fingerprints in the system linked to unsolved crimes all over the country!” Carol grinned, content with her theory.

“Um, yeah, you definitely watch too much crime TV. But,” Edward mused, “It seems we didn’t know Dad as well as we thought we did.”

“Let’s get the other boxes and then pay a visit to the cemetery.”

Edward shook his head slightly. “We’re definitely going to need a shovel for that.”

The Woodland Hills cemetery was already closed when Edward and Carol arrived several hours later. To their surprise and good luck, the gate at the back entrance was unlocked. Edward’s Honda slowly crawled along the narrow road as the light of the rising full moon cast an eerie glow across the tombstones.

“Is David going to fly out here at some point,” Edward asked, testing the waters. He didn’t know if Carol’s relationship was on again or off again since David was absent during the entire funeral process. 

“I told him not to come. And, if this turns out to be a bunch of money, he doesn’t need to know about any of this,” Carol smirked.

Off again, he concluded. “There it is,” he announced, pointing at the large, idyllic limestone angel that, from a distance, seemed to float above the gravestones. They used the angel as a designated marker to help locate their father’s headstone. Edward pulled the car to a stop and stared out the windshield.

“Why do you think he killed himself?” Carol asked, breaking the silence.

Edward shrugged, “I dunno.”

“Clearly, he wanted to be found since he left the garage door open. But why didn’t he leave a note?”

Edward shrugged again, “DeVenny probably has it in one of those other envelopes. This whole thing seems to have been well planned.”

“Yeah, like he’s orchestrating it from beyond, you know?” Carol stared at the headstones.

“Exactly. Dad wasn’t impulsive. Well, unless he was angry.”

Flickers of unpleasant memories returned, and Carol nodded her head.

“After college, you left. You didn’t see how detached he became. He wasn’t easy to be around. I’m pretty sure that’s how he was with everyone.”

Carol agreed, “Yeah, you’re right. Look at his wake. It was you, me, and DeVenny. No friends. No co-workers. Dad was an only child, there’s no one left on his side of the family.”

“For a second, I thought maybe Mom might show up,” Edward admitted sheepishly.

“Yeah, me too, wearing that giant marcasite butterfly pendant she never left the house without,” Carol lamented. “There was some old guy at the funeral with long gray hair. I saw him talking to DeVenny, but he left before I could talk to him.”

“Yeah, I think he might have been the cemetery caretaker.”

Carol sucked in a breath, “Maybe he was Dad’s partner in crime, and Dad was holding out on him.” She was only half joking but continued with, “Oh, my God!” She threw her head back, mouth agape with delight. “That’s probably why DeVenny had to wait five days after the funeral to tell us about the boxes!”

Edward’s confused expression prompted Carol to elaborate.

“If that was Dad’s partner, and Dad owed him money, maybe he was surveilling us. If we went after the money right away….” Carol roll swept her hand, encouraging Edward to follow her train of thought.      

 “He’d know we had the boxes and might try to take them,” Edward concluded with heavy skepticism.

“Yes!” Carol’s hearty laugh filled the car. “And that’s why we had to do all this so quickly. It wouldn’t give him time to do anything about it!”

“You realize how ludicrous all this sounds, right?” Edward threw a glance at Carol but couldn’t suppress his smile.

“You just wait. It’ll all come together tonight when we bring everything to DeVenny,” Carol relished. “Dad being a professional criminal would explain a lot.”

“True.” Edward’s smile quickly faded. “We still have to get his hands, though.”

Carol’s mood also shifted. “This would have been a hell of a lot easier if we had known about this part before he was put in the ground,” she put her hand on the door handle and pulled. The interior light illuminated.

“Wait,” Edward held up his hand to stop her. “You stay here. I’ll do it.” He pulled a lever below his seat, and the trunk popped open.

“No, I’ll help you.”

“I can do it faster if I’m by myself. Stay here, keep a lookout.” Edward exited the car. He grabbed a shovel, a flashlight, and a plastic grocery bag from the trunk before lowering the hatch. He slipped between two headstones, disappearing into the darkness.

While surprised by Edward’s sudden ambition, Carol, for once, had no intention of arguing with him. She adjusted the rearview mirror to gaze at the three metal boxes, sitting in numerical order on the backseat.

Carol was disappointed the second location didn’t present them with nearly as ominous conditions as the first. The box was buried alongside a 10” fieldstone wall that served as a property line deep into the woods. She and Edward reminisced about teetering on the rutted top of it as kids, pretending to traverse a sea of lava. They tracked it a quarter of a mile before finding the marker they were looking for, a red brick incorporated into the wall, and unearthed the second box easily. It was half the size of the first. The contents rattled and clanged when shaken.

Carol speculated that if the first box was buried around the time they moved, then the second one was probably buried when they left that house, laying undisturbed in the ground for about fifteen years.

Finding the third box was more unsettling than dramatic. The map led them to their father’s garage. They had yet to go through his belongings and found the metal box sitting pristine, under a tarp with a bunch of tools and small appliances, directly under the beam he hung himself from. It was identical in size to the second box, and there was no way to tell how old it was. Shaking it produced a muffled rumple of a sound. 

After retrieving the third box, Edward and Carol stopped at a diner to get a late supper before heading to the cemetery. Edward devoured a BLT and fries. Carol wasn’t hungry despite not having eaten all day. Feeling off-kilter since the funeral, the last thing she wanted to deal with was stomach issues. She stuck to a cup of tea and a few fries stolen from Edward’s plate.

Edward began hinting at blowing off going to the cemetery. “You know, digging up buried lockboxes is one thing. Desecration is completely different.”

“It’s not desecration if we have his permission,” Carol tried to sound convincing. “Besides,” she continued, “DeVenny has the keys to open the boxes.” Carol lowered her voice and leaned into the table. “What if not getting his hands means we automatically forfeit what’s inside?”

“We don’t have to go back to DeVenny. We can just pry them open ourselves,” Edward grumbled through a mouth filled with food.

“Yeah, but, what if there are further instructions only DeVenny can give us? You saw the other envelopes. Do you want to risk losing a small fortune?”

“We could go to jail.” Edward angrily bit into a French fry.

“It’s a class A misdemeanor. It’s a fine at worst.” For a moment, Carol thought maybe she did watch too much crime TV. Her mind left the conversation in the diner when a startling wave of nausea rushed through her. She regretted not agreeing to blow off the cemetery as she rested her head on the dash and dozed off.

A noise from the back of the car caused Carol to bolt up in her seat. She turned to look out the back window.

Edward had returned. He opened the trunk and laid down the shovel, the lumpy plastic bag, and the flashlight inside. Carol held her breath until Edward closed the hatch and got back into the car.

That was fast,” Carol assumed without knowing how long she had napped.

“Was it,” Edward asked dismissively. “It was easier than I thought. The ground hadn’t hardened yet,” he said, starting the engine. The car slowly rolled along the winding cemetery road toward the exit.

“You really got them?” Nausea washed over Carol again. 

“Yeah.” Edward continued to stare forward at the road.

“Was it hard? Getting them, I mean.”

“I used the blade of the shovel. It was a clean cut through the wrists.” Edward shook his head. “I really don’t want to talk about it.”

“Okay,” Carol faced forward, surprised he offered any details at all. “I’ll call DeVenny now and let him know we’re on our way back to his office.”

Thirty minutes later, Carol and Edward once again sat in front of DeVenny’s desk. Edward used a gym bag in the trunk of his car to carry the three boxes and their father’s hands into the office. He set it down on the floor between their chairs as they waited for DeVenny to arrive.

Carol’s stomach was still twisting. She hadn’t been sleeping well since the news of her father’s death, chalking it up to nerves and grief. Edward was also silent but seemed oddly twitchy. He jumped when the office door behind them opened with a metallic click.

DeVenny entered with the collection of manila envelopes in his hands and went behind his desk. He sat down and studied the siblings for a moment. “The boxes, if you don’t mind,” he said, gesturing to the gym bag.

DeVenny’s voice startled Edward into motion, “Oh, yeah. Sure.”

Edward stood and placed the canvas bag on his chair. It unzipped loudly. He reached into the bag with both hands and, one at a time, pulled out the boxes. Carol watched DeVenny take the two smaller boxes and stack them on top of the larger one to create a perfect cube. He stared at them as if he had been dreading this moment.       

With a heavy sigh, DeVenny picked up a lumpy manila envelope and opened it. He removed a single folded sheet of notebook paper and dumped the rest of the contents onto the top box. A small commercial silver key tumbled out and hit the metal surface with a DINK. A white envelope, a large clutch of frayed twine, and a tarnished brass skeleton key followed. DeVenny set the twine, envelope, and paper aside and used the silver key to unlock the three boxes.  

Edward returned the duffel bag to the floor and sat down again. Both he and Carol pitched forward, eyes wide, lips parted, holding their breaths, eagerly waiting for the reveal like children watching another child open a birthday present. 

Instead of removing the lids, DeVenny handed the pristine box to Carol and its sullied twin to Edward. He nodded, giving the siblings permission to open them.

Edward struggled with the lid of his box; the hinges on the top seam were rusted. He dug his fingernails under the other edge to pry it open. The lid gave little by little as he worked his way around the sides.

“I don’t understand,” Carol said, staring into her open box, dumbfounded.

Edward paused his attempts to peer into Carol’s box. “What is that?” He looked to DeVenny for an answer. “What is that?”

DeVenny remained silent.

Edward hastened his attempts. The top finally gave with a scraping pop, and he found himself staring into his box with confusion.

Carol gently held a tuft of fine blond hair tied with thin elastic in her fingers.

Edward’s eyes darted between Carol’s box and his own, noting the contents were similar. He reached inside and pulled up clusters of hair, each tuft different in color and length, bound in a variety of ways, from rubber bands to ribbons and barrettes.

“Is this…doll hair?” Edward, still confused, rooted around in the box.

That was also Carol’s first thought. As she smoothed the strands between her thumb and index finger, she realized it was silky, not tacky like the synthetic hair of her childhood dolls. She reached into the box and held up a red heart pendant made of clay on a long string necklace. A flicker of nostalgia produced a smile on her lips as she remembered making one just like it in kindergarten for an art project. She gave it to her friend Sarah as a gift for her 5th birthday. With her mother’s help, she wrote SARAH on the back with a silver paint pen.  

Carol slowly turned the pendant over. The air left her lungs when she saw the faded lettering. Sarah was wearing the pendant when she went missing a few months after her birthday. It was included in her MISSING description. Carol looked at DeVenny, his foreboding expression answered her question without her having to say the words.

“They’re mementos,” DeVenny said.

Tears welled in Carol’s eyes as she dropped the pendant into the lockbox and shoved it onto DeVenny’s desk.  

“What are they?” Edward asked, holding the hairs in one hand as he gathered the pieces of jewelry that had settled on the bottom of his box with the other. His mind was preoccupied with their possible collective value until he found himself staring at a marcasite butterfly pendant.

“They’re trophies taken from people your father killed,” DeVenny said.

Edward’s mouth twitched as he tried to process DeVenny’s words. “That’s absurd!” He forcefully dropped everything in his hands back into the box. “Why would you joke about something like that? Our Dad didn’t kill anyone!”

DeVenny opened the large metal lock box and removed a black-stained wooden box. The top was embossed with a red circle and hieroglyphic letters. Using the skeleton key, he unlocked it and lifted the hinged top, revealing more bundles of hair and trinkets.

“Oh, my God. I’m gonna be sick,” Carol leaned forward and put a hand on her clammy forehead.

“What’s wrong with you,” Edward snarled at Carol. “How can you believe this bullshit?”

“This will be difficult to hear, but you must know the truth. The day before your father committed suicide, he confessed to an indiscriminate killing spree that lasted more than forty years.” DeVenny’s words depleted the oxygen in the room. 

When Carol found her voice, it was scratchy and uneven. “Did he say why he did it?”

DeVenny gathered the mementos from the wooden box and placed them inside Carol’s lockbox. “He believed he needed to deliver souls to a demon to pay off an unsettled debt he accrued in another life.”

Edward burst into laughter. “That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard!”

DeVenny looked up from his desk. “Your box, please,” he said sternly to Edward and gestured to the box in Edward’s lap. He picked up the remaining three manila envelopes and offered them in exchange. They were also numbered.

Edward scoffed as he handed over the box. He took the envelopes and opened one, pulling out a collection of newspaper clippings of missing men, women, and children dating back to nearly a decade before he was born. He opened the other two to find more clippings of different faces and names. Edward’s amusement vanished as he stared at a faded Polaroid picture of their mother. The marcasite butterfly pendant pinned to her blouse over her heart.

“Your father claimed the debt would be inherited by the next-born family member if he wasn’t able to fulfill the contract.”

“Inherited? How? Like, genetically?” Edward’s contempt had lessened.

“I believe it was something along those lines. He said the obligation was passed down to him from his father. But he claimed to have found a loophole that would end the legacy. It’s why he killed himself.”

“And you believe this load of crap,” Edward asked, his voice cracked with emotion.

“I believe your father believed it was true. Whether the demon was real or metaphoric is irrelevant.” DeVenny offered the white envelope to Edward. “Perhaps this will hold more answers.” Gesturing to the manila envelopes and clippings, “If it’s any comfort, your father kept a record of who his victims were. He took trophies so they could eventually be surrendered to the police and bring closure to the families.”

Edward stuffed the newspaper clippings back into the manila envelopes and exchanged them with DeVenny for the white one. Holding it in his hands, he couldn’t bring himself to open it. “Do you…,” he said, looking at Carol, unable to finish his sentence.

“I can’t. Not now.” Carol held up her hand as if to block the sight of the envelope as tears streamed down her face.

“Edward,” DeVenny paused until he had Edward’s attention. “His hands, please.”

Edward pulled in a sharp breath before surrendering the gym bag to DeVenny. “What are you going to do with them?” Before DeVenny could answer, Edward changed his mind. “You know what? I don’t want to know. I can’t listen to any more of this crap right now.”

“I understand,” DeVenny nodded sympathetically.

“Do you? Do you really understand any of this?” Edward’s voice quivered with anger.

DeVenny’s sympathetic eyes met Edward’s hard stare. “I’m certain the authorities will be in touch.”

“I need to get out of here,” Carol croaked, quickly standing up.

“Yeah, me too,” Edward declared, getting to his feet and darting toward the door.  

As Carol and Edward left his office in silence, DeVenny tucked the folded paper and twine inside the wooden box and replaced everything inside the duffel bag. He sighed heavily. His obligation to their father wasn’t quite complete.

Edward invited Carol to spend the night at his place, but she declined. At her request, he dropped her off at her hotel, promising to call her after he read the final letter. It took several hours and a few shots of bourbon to muster the nerve to open the envelope DeVenny had handed him. It surprised him to find a single piece of notebook paper with one handwritten block paragraph.   

“Here we go,” Edward mumbled and began to read.

If you’re reading this, then you brought my hands to DeVenny. Good. He will take them to a priest who will bind and consecrate them before incinerating them. The ashes will be locked inside the wooden box and buried in hallowed ground at midnight under the first full moon after my death. Killing myself was the only way out. I was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer and wouldn’t be able to fulfill the contract. The debt would have been passed on to the next born of my lineage, my first grandchild, just as it had been passed on to me by my father who died before I was born. Thanks to you, this ritual will put an end to the killing.

Edward felt a shockey twinge at the base of his skull and a wave of panic in his gut as the glow of the rising full moon cascaded through his living room window and spilled across the floor.

At the hotel, Carol sat on the edge of the tub with a pregnancy test in her hand. She bought it earlier that day at a nearby drugstore but didn’t have time to take it before going to DeVenny’s office. Her emotions swirled as she watched a + sign develop on the pregnancy test pen.  

At that moment, across town, DeVenny walked down the aisle of an empty church with the wooden box and the plastic bag in his hands. He approached the lone priest with long gray hair waiting for him in the sanctuary and placed the items on the altar.

The priest opened the box and removed the paper and twine. DeVenny unrolled the plastic bag and opened it. Confusion washed over his face as he looked inside. He emptied the contents onto the altar. The pair of tennis sneakers Edward kept in the trunk of his car tumbled out.    

Homeless Chronicles: R*ped by Venus

After spending hours on the road sweltering in traffic, I was in the home stretch, blocks away from my building. I pulled into the service road that ran parallel behind my building and Vineland. As I approached my building, I saw the bicycle Ice Cream Vendor, a staple of my neighborhood for as long as I can remember. I pulled to the side of the alley and eagerly flagged him down. It was the pick-me-up I needed. He stopped his bicycle next to my car, and both of us had the unspoken intention of making the transaction through my driver’s window.

Suddenly, a homeless woman in a tattered blue floral sundress jumped out of the street-level decorative shrubs below the first-floor balconies like a predatory animal. She quickly positioned herself between me and the Vendor and began an aggressive interrogation inches away from my face.

“What are you doing here? Are you with the Government? Did the Government send you to get me?”

“No. Not with the Government. I’m just buying ice cream from this man.” I recognized her. I had seen her trekking down the alley numerous times from my office window, having been drawn by her boisterous and chaotic rants.

“Oh, yeah?” She looked into my window and at my body. With disgust on her face, “You’re fat! You’re so fat!”

I shrugged, “I’m still getting ice cream. Do you want one?”

The Woman, taken aback, said, “You’re buying me food. You’ll pay for anything I want!”

The Vendor looked at me, and I nodded, “She can have whatever she wants. It’s okay, I’ll pay for it.”

The Woman verbally accosted the Vendor, snatched two bags of chips off the cart, and then spun to look at me, once again, inches from my face. “I was raped by Venus! My son is in jail! Sarah from the Government sees through my ears and controls my thoughts! …Are you Michelle?”

“No, I’m not Michelle,” I replied. The Woman’s complexion was the ashy color of road dirt and pollution. Her bushy hair didn’t fare much better. A three-inch from the scalp self-inflicted botch job, maybe once dirty blond, now gray with grit and loam. I aged her to be in her forties more by the intensity of her watery brown eyes than the lines on her face. She had all her teeth that I could see. They were straight, intact, and not terribly discolored. It was clear to me she wasn’t a hard drug user but had been on the streets for a while.  

“What’s your name?”

“Kristine. What’s your name?” I had been looking for a homeless woman named Red who hung out at The Alley Music Studios during the 2000s. I was told she was living somewhere in the area, but I didn’t know what she looked like. If this was her, an interview would be challenging.   

The Woman didn’t answer but eyed me suspiciously, “Are you friends with Stacey?”

“No.”

“I bet you are friends with her, aren’t you? Don’t lie! Don’t lie!”

Based on her hostility, I said, “Oh, God no. I hate that bitch.” Once again, the Woman was taken aback.

A UPS truck turned into the alley. The Vendor moved his bicycle toward the back end of my car. This unexpected interaction didn’t deter me. I still wanted ice cream—I deserved ice cream. I rolled up my window, turned off my engine, and grabbed my wallet. I got out of the car with my keys in hand. The Vendor struggled to keep the Woman from opening the freezer compartments like a game of Whac-A-Mole. He glanced at me nervously.

The Woman pivoted to glare at me. I stood at least a foot taller. She hunched her shoulders and recoiled as she raked me with her eyes. With the same previous look of disgust on her face, she declared, “You’re skinny! Ewww, you’re skinny!”

“You just said I was fat a minute ago.” As the Woman hesitated from my words, I smiled and pointed to a picture of a Nutty Buddy. The Vendor retrieved it, and, in what I interpreted as an attempt to conclude the escalating encounter, the Vendor handed the Woman an orange popsicle. The Nutty Buddy in my hand brought me a surprising amount of joy. But it was short-lived.  

“No! No! No!” The woman screeched, snatched the popsicle with one hand, and began battering the Vendor with the bags of chips in the other. He deflected the blows, and the seam of one of the bags broke open. The crunchy pinwheels fragmented and flew into the air like fried confetti.

I slapped a folded twenty onto the top of the freezer. “Here, I’m so sorry,” I said, making sure his hand was on it before letting go. He started to reach into his pocket for change. “No. Take it and go. Save yourself.” I felt bad for him. This had become more than either of us had bargained for.

Having seen the twenty-dollar bill, the Woman changed her demand. “Give me! Give me money! Now!” Her eyes darted between my hardcase wallet and my face.

As the Woman’s agitation escalated, the Vendor mounted his bicycle. Before he could pull the cart around, she threw the popsicle at him. He flinched as it bounced off his neck and peddled away without looking back.

I approached my car door, and the Woman abruptly cut me off. “Give me money! Give me money, or I’ll kill you!” She lurched her head at me like a deranged pigeon while baring her teeth.

“You’ll do no such thing,” I said dismissively and calmly sidestepped the Woman, but she blocked me again. “I have no more money.” I wasn’t lying. Twenty dollars was all I had in my wallet.

“I was raped by Venus! I was raped! My son is in jail, and they’re performing experiments on him! Give me your money, or I’ll kill you!” Her eyes fixed on my left hand, clutching my wallet, keys, and Nutty Buddy.

I had no doubt this Woman was SA’d. My heart broke for her…but I had questions—many questions—that I didn’t dare ask. “I don’t have any more money. I gave it to the guy.” The Woman stepped in front of me again and well into my personal space. I stepped back. She moved in. I stepped back again. She moved in again, this time menacingly. Her irrationality and anxiety vibrated off her, reverberating in the space between us. It made me nervous. I was further away from my car than I was comfortable with.   

“Give me money, or I’ll kill you! I’ll kill you! I’ll kill you!”

I stepped back again. “No. You won’t. And I told you I don’t have any more money. I gave it all to him to buy this stuff for you.” I gestured to the Vendor, who had successfully escaped to the area further down where I found the human hand years ago.

“Oh, yeah? Fuck you! What do you think about this, you bitch?” The Woman pummeled the bag of plantain chips with a dirty fist, ripped it open, and violently scattered the jagged pieces everywhere. She then stomped on the pieces with both bare feet, jumping up and down, fists clenched, grunting on each impact. “How do you like this?”  

I crossed my arms and watched like a bemused parent assessing their child’s temper tantrum. “Makes no difference to me,” I said, stepping toward my car. “I have food at home to eat when I’m hungry.”

The Woman stopped, very briefly reconsidered her actions, and then bared her teeth in a snarl. “Oh, you think you’re better than me? Whaddya gonna do about this?”

Wide-eyed, I witnessed the Woman dash ahead to my car, hike up her dress, reach one hand around, defecate into it at will, and then smear the excrement onto my car door. She smiled in wicked triumph.

“Yup, you win. I’m done.” With my phone in my car, I walked back to the next block, looking for anyone to call the police on my behalf. No one in sight. I yelled out a few times, but the day was a scorcher. ACs were on. Windows were closed.

From around the corner, the Woman yelled, “Oh, you’re running away? You want me to take your car? I’ll go for a ride!”

An icy twang of panic ran through me as I asked myself, did I lock the door? I immediately returned to the scene to find her yanking on the handles and hitting the windows. It was locked, and I shuddered at the thought of how that might have gone if it wasn’t. After her assault on my car, the Woman retreated to the bushes. I saw my opportunity to escape. But as soon as I approached my car, the Woman launched herself out of the bushes and came toward me. I would have stood my ground, but with shit hands unexpectedly thrown into the mix, it was in my best interest to back away.

As I contemplated my options, two teen boys, Twins, maybe fifteen years old, cruised down the alley on their bicycles. I stopped them, quickly explained my situation to them, and said I needed to call the police for assistance. Boys with summer-sun lightened brown wavy hair, shaggy and in need of a trim, hazel eyes, and peach fuzz above their lips and on their chins. Were fifteen-year-old boys this cute when I was their age?   

One of them pulled out their phone, dialed 9-1-1, and then handed it to me with a kind smile. While on the phone with dispatch, the Woman saw me with the two boys and became irate. She collected garbage from the bushes and threw it all over my car.

“See,” I said, exasperated. “This has been going on for twenty minutes already. I can’t get to my car and she already beat up the poor Ice Cream guy. She’s going to attack me, and she has literal shit on her hands.”

“Don’t worry,” one of the Twins said. “We’ll put her on the ground if she tries anything.”

“You got that right,” the other Twin said and rode his bike up to her, yelling, edging her away from my car, “Get out of here! Go! Go away!”

“I was raped by Venus! My son is getting microchips put in him in jail!” Her arms flailed about.

“Take your crazy bullshit somewhere else, lady! Get out of here!” The Twin held his ground and continued to yell at her to leave, pointing away from my car with authority.

The Woman’s eyes found me as I was giving Dispatch my location. “Are you talking about me? Is that your phone? Is that your phone? Give it to me or I’ll kill you!” She charged like a bull and attempted to snatch the phone from my hand.

Her filthy hand clamped down on mine. “Hey! Let go! Let go,” I hollered, clutching the phone in an iron grip, imagining what she would do if she took possession. I kicked her in the shin, and she let go. The Twin closest to me jumped into action, putting him and his bike between the woman and me.

“Get out of here! You can’t grab people’s phones! Stop bothering her! Go! The cops are coming for you!” Somewhere inside, the fifteen-year-old girl in me swooned.

“You called the police?” She laughed wildly. “They’ll say mental health! Mental health! I was raped!”

More people began appearing in the area, intrigued by the spectacle. Miraculously, I was still connected to Dispatch. But the presence of other people and the tenacity of the Twins sent the Woman heading toward Lankershim, fists balled, yelling and ranting as she left. I told the operator the police were no longer needed. I returned the phone to the rightful Twin and said, “Thank you. Your parents would be proud of you guys.” Then I urged, “Please wipe this down with disinfectant as soon as you can.”

After thanking the Twins profusely and briefly recapping the event for the spectators, I got into my car and drove the remaining fifty feet home, feeling incredibly sad for the Woman. Later that day, someone posted on Nextdoor that there was a public disturbance and a garbage fire on Lankershim, not far from where my ordeal took place.     

The End

The end of the world was coming. Actually, it was in progress, and it was chasing me.

I was in my car, speeding down the freeway, trying to outrun a wall of voluminous clouds. It pursued, close behind, rolling over the asphalt and gaining speed. The opaque, billowy clouds, chalk white with flashes of silvery lightning, swallowed everything in its path. I was on the phone with my mom, describing what I was seeing.

“No, there’s no sign of it. It’s not on this side of the country yet,” she said, uncharacteristically calm.

“It figures California would get hit first,” I said, picturing her looking out the kitchen window and up at the sky. I watched the clouds in my rearview. “Wow! There are flashes of color now! Yellow, pink, blue, green, purple! It’s really quite beautiful! Spectacular, even!”

A jolt of anxiety tore through my chest as the clouds enveloped the back of my car. Foot on the gas pedal, I pressed it to the floor, clenching the steering wheel, my breaths shuddered with excitement. It’s happening. It’s really happening. This is it. I’m going to die. It’ll all be over in a minute. Tears flooded my eyes and spilled onto my cheeks. I was scared, not of dying but of how. At the sight of it, I was more curious and exhilarated than anything. I didn’t think the end of the world would be so…vibrant. Hollywood got it all wrong, I guess.

Suddenly, a thunderous roar filled the interior of my car as the clouds consumed me like an ocean wave. “It’s got me, Mom! This is it! I love you,” I yelled to the phone in my hand. I shut my eyes, trying to fight the welling panic as I waited for whatever was going to happen…happened. The roar grew louder. I felt an outside pressure evenly grip my entire body and braced for the pain and violence. There was neither.

The resonating rumble began to dissipate, and I opened my eyes. My car was gone, and as far as I could see, so was the world as I knew it. No people. No buildings. No trees. No animals. No sounds. I was alone and weightless, suspended in a hollow pocket within the clouds. There was no wind against my skin, but I could feel my body gently propelling forward through endless space and time.

My eyes fixed on a golden light in the distance as more colors pulsed within the clouds all around me like silent fireworks. Yellow, violet, teal, orange, blue, crimson. I marveled over the colorful display, no longer scared but still curious and excited. As the golden light grew near, there was warmth in its radiance that released a soothing hum that, when it reached my ears, filled me with indescribable joy and love.      

“I don’t know if you can hear me, Mom,” I yelled once I realized I still had my phone in my hand. “I don’t know what’s happening, but it’s glorious!”              

Once More For Good Measure

It was early morning when I attempted to cross the busy road next to my building on foot. I was exhausted, but sleeping in wasn’t an option. I had chores to do and my rescued kittens to tend to at the Old Woman’s house down the street on the other side. This was my morning routine for the last seven years. I had long since foregone any sense of vanity and typically shuffled my way there in slippers and pajamas, knocking back a Diet Coke en route. But as I approached the curb, I quickly noticed this was not a typical day.

Darting through four lanes of morning drivers rushing to get to work was like a game of human Frogger. I ran the risk of getting squished the moment I stepped into the street. But this morning, my risk was cut in half. While the two Northbound lanes were chaotic as usual, the two Southbound lanes were diverted to the entrance of the alley between the main drag and the back of my building that led to another outlet, circumventing an accident in between.

As I safely crossed to the median and waited for a break in passing cars, I looked toward the accident site. A police car had blocked the street. There was a cement truck in the right lane and a flurry of people moving erratically on the other side of the roadblock. Must have just happened, I thought. It was too far away to see details, but I couldn’t pull my gaze from it as a feeling of dread gnawed at my stomach. A car flew past me unnecessarily close, pulling me back to my objective of crossing the street. Once on the other side, my mind redirected, prioritizing the long list of chores waiting for me.

An hour and a half later, responsibilities fulfilled, I returned to the main street. Morning rush hour was over, making it far less treacherous to cross. The Southbound traffic was still diverted down the alley, but by this time, a traffic officer had appeared. Without the threat of being mowed down, my attention focused on the scene of the accident. I was oddly drawn to it. The coroner’s van and several more police cars had arrived, and a white tent had been erected. The churning in my gut returned.

I had seen enough CSI episodes to know the tent was there to preserve the crime scene and prevent curious bystanders from ogling a dead body. “What happened?” I asked the traffic officer as I stepped onto the curb.

“Accident,” he said. “Cement truck versus a motorcycle. Cement truck won.” He smirked as if he expected me to chuckle at his banter.

Jesus Christ. As desensitized to the macabre as I had become, I suddenly felt an unfamiliar emotional encumbrance of the fatal calamity. My chest grew tight as if I was having an asthma attack, but I could breathe freely. My neighbor drives a Vespa, I remembered as I entered my building’s property. Those are clearly two different things. Despite the obvious differences, I found myself knocking on my neighbor’s apartment door. He didn’t answer.  

The initial twinge of dread expanded and enveloped me, clinging to my skin like the pungent humidity before a looming storm. Impulsively, I grabbed my phone and went through my contacts, looking for his phone number. I knew I had it at some point, but it wasn’t there. Probably bounced out when I dropped it one of the few dozen times. Instead, I found his wife Laura’s number.

After a few rings, it went to voicemail. I cringed as I heard the words coming out of my mouth about the accident, my weird feeling, and checking in to make sure her husband was okay. And if they didn’t think I was weird already…. I concluded the message with a laugh and “I’ll see you guys later.” Despite how sheepish I felt after leaving such a peculiar message, the weight didn’t lift. It stayed with me for the rest of the day.

Late in the afternoon, an unknown number appeared on my cell phone as it rang, sending a prickly twinge to the back of my neck. I answered it. “Hey, I saw that you called Laura earlier…” My neighbor’s voice trailed off.

Nervous relief forced a laugh over my lips and into my phone as I gushed through the reason for my call and what the traffic officer said about the cement truck. “But, obviously, you’re okay.” I expected him to laugh the type of laugh I usually got after saying something strange or bizarre. Instead, I was met with an odd silence.

“We were in that accident. My scooter went down. Laura fell under the tire of the truck and was killed.”

I listened in stunned silence as he offered other details. He was also injured; a car ran over his leg, and he had gotten out of surgery a little while ago. Laura’s personal items had been brought to him, and he saw my name in the call log on her phone.

Several days went by, and the heaviness that initially burdened me didn’t lift. Instead, it shifted and redistributed its weight to integrate sadness. Whether it was a hello and goodbye in passing or a quick chat about something, I had grown accustomed to her smile and bright eyes being part of my days for the past five years. Memories of our daily interactions were irrevocably replaced with the violence of her death.

I was coming back from the laundry room. As I approached my stairwell, I heard the resonating metal SLAM of the front gate. I glanced in that direction as I stepped up onto the first step. I caught a glimpse of Laura coming around the corner, leaning to the right to avoid the overgrown Birds of Paradise. Our eyes met, and hers sparkled like diamonds as she smiled. I smiled back as I continued upstairs.

My foot barely touched the third step when I froze. Wait. What?! I spun around and nearly fell down the two steps in my haste. My eyes searched the large fan-like leaves encroaching the walkway, but Laura wasn’t there. I stared at the open space between the leaves and the wood fence, hoping she’d come back. My young neighbor rounded the corner and stopped when he saw me.

“You okay?” He asked, concern on his face.

It was only then that I realized I was holding my breath. “Yeah. I’m fine,” I said, fighting back tears. I raced up the stairs and into my apartment. I stood in my living room, trying to process what I saw clear as day, contemplating my sanity. I pulled in a deep breath and slowly exhaled, which ended in a soft chuckle. The heaviness had evaporated so quickly I felt lightheaded. I smiled, embracing her gift. “Thank you,” I whispered.      

If the Glove Fits…

Los Angeles: 2003

It was winter. Rain-filled days were abundant. The humidity was laden with the pungent aroma of orange and yellow Lantanas that lined the pedestrian walkway along the alley behind my building. The deep, evergreen leaves glistened with fresh droplets of a recent shower. It was my first full day off in a week from working two different bartending jobs. I desperately needed to grocery shop but was exhausted. The overcast sky killed what little energy and motivation I had.   

I cut down the alley to the liquor store on the corner. It was a spontaneous deviation from the little convenience store at the top of my street. The distance was two blocks longer, but the prices at the liquor store were a bit cheaper. I could buy more snacks for my money to stave off the consuming effort of buying real food for a few more days. I brought my dog Carmen with me, a petite Shepherd mix that I had rescued from the streets of Mexico.

The excursion was a bonus walk for Carmen, and I let her set the pace as she meandered and sniffed her way to the end of the concrete path. Once off the curb, it was a straight shot to the store, dirty asphalt lined with commercial property walls and dumpster alcoves the rest of the way. I glanced up at the sky as more ominous-looking clouds chased the misty grey hues further East as a storm steadily crept in from the ocean.

As we padded down the alley, Carmen lifted her head and nose up toward the sky, pulling in long, scent-filled breaths. Identifying something of interest in the air, she picked up her pace, eyes forward and intent on discovery. I assumed she caught a whiff of something coming from the pair of dumpsters up ahead. Even though I had taken her off the streets more than a year prior, her survival instincts habitually kicked in on walks. She could detect a discarded chicken wing in the bushes from a block away.    

As we approached the dumpsters behind the liquor store and neighboring Chinese restaurant, Carmen pulled and whined. I kept her leash taut, her nails raked the asphalt as she tried to get closer to the three-foot gap between the two metal bins. I turned my attention to the space, expecting to see a rat, a cat, or a possum grazing on spilled Chow Mein or fried rice. It was a mannequin hand.

“Fucking weirdo,” I said to Carmen with amusement as I forced her to continue walking.

Yeah, that was a mannequin hand, I thought, the image sharply ingrained in my mind. But something inside me rejected the assumption.

No, it was too inelegant to be a mannequin hand, my internal monologue debated.

A gardening glove, then, the assumption paired with another, that it fell off a gardener’s truck en route to or from a nearby property.

The inner debate continued as we rounded the corner and entered the store. I smiled at the clerk and headed to the snack stand toward the back, Carmen obediently at my side.

What kind of gardening glove goes that far past the wrist?

“Hm,” I said aloud, acknowledging the valid question as I collected two bags of Chex-Mix.

And it was all one color, and there was no elastic cuff at the end, the image was superimposed over the array of candy bars.

“A Whatchamacallit?! I haven’t had one of these in years!” I said to Carmen, my excitement hijacking the glove debate. I grabbed three and headed to the counter, snagging a bag of cheddar cheese Ruffles potato chips on the way. “This one isn’t making it home,” I said to the clerk with a cocked grin, sliding one of the bars to the side as he rang me up. He smiled and nodded as he bagged my items and gave me change.

I had the Whatchamacallit in my hand open and had taken my first bite in the ten seconds it took for me and Carmen to round the corner of the alley, heading back the way we came. The light, crunchy, and slightly chewy texture with the perfect peanutty, chocolatey, and caramel combo was heaven. It was right up there with the 100,000 Dollar Bar and The Reggie! from my childhood.

Then, I saw the glove again. The internal debate resumed. Coming from the opposite direction presented a different POV.

A discarded glove wouldn’t be…plump like that.

I switched Carmen to the opposite side of the dumpsters as we neared them. I stopped and stared at the glove. The new angle revealed a jagged bone protruding past the meaty end. “Oh! It’s a Halloween hand,” I laughed.

No, it’s not.

“It’s totally a Halloween hand,” I argued and peered at the bloated, ashen-colored left hand that was palm-side down.

No, it’s not.

I fixated on the thin, puckering line across the back of it. It looked like a healing scratch, recognizing the similarity of the dozens of cat scratches my own hands had endured over the years.

“Isn’t it?”

I carefully pulled it out from between the two dumpsters with the tip of my shoe, a light waft of a pungent, stinging odor came with it. I attributed the smell to the dumpsters. As my mind continued to ping pong, details began to register: the color gradation of blood, broken fingernails, chipped polish, and streaks of dirt. While it had all the artistry of a high-quality Halloween hand, it had one feature I had never seen on a prop before. A discoloration at the base of the ring finger. Like where a wedding band would have been.  

“No. It’s not.”   

While I waited for a patrol car, I remembered a weird email from a few weeks prior. A fwd from a friend of a friend from someone’s cousin, and so on. It was an alert about an alleged gang initiation or competition based on a scoring system. Human body parts were awarded points, requiring participants to reach a designated amount. I didn’t give the circulating tale much merit. An uptick in murders or people showing up at the ER claiming their appendages were stolen would make the news. As unlikely as it seemed, I couldn’t help but stare at the woman’s hand, wondering what its point value was.

The responding officer was lackadaisical up until he got a good look at the hand. Then, it was suddenly “Stand back, Ma’am,” followed by a roll of police tape from the trunk and a request for assistance over the radio. I gave my statement and left thinking, just another day in LA.      

A few weeks later, a series of torrential downpours turned canyon roads into rivers and flooded base streets due to debris clogging the sewer drains. A city worker had been dispatched to clear one of the blockages and discovered a large black garbage bag containing body parts. It was assumed they were from various victims as there were multiple right feet and limbs of different colored skin.

Bartender Chronicles: Joey and Daisy

Circa: Lower Manhattan 1991

I was on a gap year from a university, trekking through the Holland a few nights a week for a part-time gig. The bar was a hole in the wall, the dirtiest of old-school dives before they became trendy. It was on the West Side, not far from the docks, and easy for me to get to by car. The money sucked, but the bar elevated me to a higher level of bartender because it was in New York. Manhattan. The City. The zip code looked good on my resume.

Even with the regular scams of cutting corners, how the door stayed open was beyond me. The speed rack had two of each rotgut liquor side by side. The right bottle was watered down, earmarked for the slumming hipsters and bridge and tunnel people with their big mouths. The left bottle was ironically called “the good stuff” and served to the decaying regulars who’d know the difference. Danny had other tricks, but they were none of my business.

I remember the night Joey walked in. It wasn’t so much Joey that caught my attention, but the brown and white marbled bulldog mix that waddled loyally inside next to him. She was short, squat, and named Daisy. She plopped down at the base of Joey’s stool and didn’t move. She could be heard snoring between song tracks playing on the jukebox while Joey nursed a free beer. He was the son of someone Danny knew, and drank for free. Usually, it was just a couple of beers, but occasionally, Danny’d give me a nod, which indicated to pour him a shot from the left.

I didn’t understand their relationship. Danny and Joey barely spoke. Hell, Joey barely spoke at all. He’d come in late, sit at the bar, hunched shoulders, staring at the bar top. Sometimes he’d nod off and jolt awake with a shudder or a head jerk. After a few hours, he’d leave with Daisy trailing behind him. This went on for a month before Danny clued me in. Joey was a heroin addict.

I never met a junkie before. My only reference was the portrayal in fictitious Hollywood cautionary tales, and I found myself infatuated. I had all kinds of questions I wanted to ask, but didn’t because we were all pretending not to notice. Instead, I’d wipe down bottles or flip through a magazine, sneaking glances at him. I’d catch glimpses of who he used to be at certain angles, illuminated by cheap tea lights — possibly a good-looking guy layered in street dirt, facial scruff, and immense self-loathing. He was a year younger than me, and I wondered where his parents were or why he wasn’t in school. My deluded middle-class ignorance wouldn’t allow me to wrap my head around his lifestyle.

Danny was an enabler. I knew it, Danny knew it, and, more importantly, Joey knew it. But feeding Joey alcohol and having him sit at the bar through various states of high or withdrawal was better than being out on the street. It was also better for Daisy. It didn’t take long for her to start showing signs of neglect. Stopping at a Bodega to buy an overpriced can of dog food on my way into work became a ritual. I’d empty the can onto a patch of cocktail napkins and put it in front of her. Half the time, Joey didn’t even notice as Daisy inhaled it. Sometimes I wondered if that was all she had to eat that day, that week. I’d scratch her head, clean the gunk from her eyes, and say kind, soft words to her.

Over the coming months, I grew keen to Joey’s varying states of existence. I picked up on the subtle notes of his highs and lows as well as the obvious telltale signs of heroin addiction. I no longer needed Danny to tell me when to give him the straight liquor or when a couple of beers would hold him over. Daisy’s visible ribcage was also a good indication of when Joey was coming off a bender.

Then one night, after months of the same routine, Joey didn’t come in. It was early fall and the end of a bizarre Indian summer. The nights were cold again. I planned on asking Joey if I could buy her a sweater. Danny advised against it, predicting Joey’d sell it for a couple of bucks. But the conversation never happened. By 3 am, the bar was desolate, and Danny called it a night. Daisy’s can of food sat near the register, already open and still waiting. He ran the tape, pulled the money out of the register, and retreated to his office. I grabbed the garbage bags and took them out back.

Joey was propped up against the brick wall next to the dumpster. His arm still tied off, needle dangling, streaks of dried blood down his forearm. In the white light cascading down on him from the security light above, I saw his face clearly. Traces of foamy spittle collected in the corner of his mouth, smeared across his chin and cheek in a thin sheen, frozen by the cold air. Death had washed away the pain and misery of being alive, of being a junkie. The lines on his face melted upon the release of his soul from his earthbound body. He was beautiful, like I had suspected he would be. I preferred this angelic display over the haggard junkie nodding at the bar. In my mind, he’d stay young forever.

When I couldn’t find Daisy, I went in for my shifts early to ask around. The day Joey died, I was told he sold Daisy to a guy down at the docks for twenty bucks to buy a couple of balloons. One of them was the hotshot that killed him.

I never saw Daisy again.

The Bartender Chronicles: Hogs North

Circa: NYC 1996.

It was 3 pm on a Wednesday when a lone customer entered the bar. I was working a shift at the uptown location. No one came in before 5 pm. Steve, the manager, who everyone suspected was stealing from the register but couldn’t prove it, and I did a double take as he walked through the door.

The guy was tall, alcoholic thin, and probably much younger than his haggard meat suit implied. I watched him from my makeshift perch of empty beer cases behind the bar. Steve continued to hover over his newspaper and greasy chicken wings at the end of the bar. We both followed the guy with our eyes as he sat down, a few stools shy of dead center.

“Bud,” was all he said as he threw a twenty onto the wood. He had the bill of his baseball hat low over his eyes and tilted his head down, making it clear he didn’t want a chatty bartender. I was more than happy to oblige.

I got up, grabbed a long neck from the cooler, opened it, and set it down in front of him. Grabbed his money, rang him up, and dropped off his change on the way back to my perch. It was the most work I had done in a couple of hours. The afternoon rush was over.

Twenty minutes later, Jimmy, the guy who serviced the pool table and pinball machines, sauntered in with his canvas tool bag. He positioned himself at the bar, two stools down from the guy. By the time his wallet was in his hand, I had a PBR in front of him and was pouring a shot of Bacardi 151. This had been his routine once a week for the past couple of months. Each time I watched him down his shot, it never failed to amaze me.

“Dude,” was all I could manage as I swiped Jimmy’s money off the bar and rang him up. In all of my bartending years, 151 was typically used as an add-in. Sometimes, bartenders used it as a cleaner to lift stubborn gunk or mildew. It smelled like gasoline, and I couldn’t imagine it tasting much better. I had yet to determine if Jimmy was an icon or just plain stupid.

Jimmy downed the shot and chased it with a couple of swigs of his beer.

“Fucking cast-iron liver,” Steve said, shaking his head, returning his gaze to the newspaper.

“Give me one of those,” the guy said.

“PBR,” I assumed.

“No, a shot.”

“Of 151?” Jimmy and I looked at him in disbelief. I didn’t have to turn my head to know that even Steve was gazing at him, too. I still had the bottle in my hand, and the guy motioned for me to approach. I shook my head before the words came out of my mouth. “No, you don’t want this.”

“Don’t tell me what I want. Give me a shot,” the guy insisted.

“This is one hundred and fifty-one proof. This is not a good idea. This is never a good idea,” I said.

“You gave him one.” The guy was Blue Collar, for sure. His tan, leathery face was a telltale that he spent a lot of time outside, roadwork, maybe. His eyes were a soft watery blue in contrast.

“Yeah, well,” I said, glancing at Jimmy. “I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have a liver or any enamel left on his teeth.”

“My money is just as good. Do your job and pour me a shot,” the guy snarled.

I weighed my two options. I could stand firm and not give it to him, or I could give in and see what happens. I shrugged my shoulders. “Well, if you feel that strongly about it.”

I grabbed a semi-clean shot glass, placed it in front of him, and poured the spirit to the rim. I grabbed a couple of bills from his pile and rang him up. The three of us watched him with anticipation, as if he would explode on contact or something. He downed it and knocked it back with a swig of beer and barely a wince. Finding it rather anticlimactic, Jimmy took to his task of emptying the coin boxes. I went back to being bored.

Fifteen minutes later, Jimmy was done with the machines and pumped credits into the pool table so he and Steve could play a few games. While Steve was racking the balls, Jimmy approached the bar for another beer.

“Give me another,” the guy demanded and pointed to the shot glass still in front of him. “And one for him, too.”

“Oh, no, thanks,” Jimmy was alarmed at the thought of having a second shot. “I’m one and done.”

“Pussy,” the guy growled. He was on his second long neck, and it was still unclear what was brewing under the surface. He pointed to the empty shot glass, lifted his gaze long enough to glare at me, and said, “Give me another, bitch.”

I looked at Jimmy and then over at Steve.

“Do what you gotta do,” Steve said with a smirk as he centered the triangle of balls on their mark.

At Hogs, a customer like him was typically dealt with in a dramatic display of hostility and aggression to entertain the crowd. But, including him, there were only four people in the bar. I could clear his beer and money and have Steve throw him out. I could drown him in a stream with the beverage of my choice from the soda gun. I could use a combination of the two but any mess I made I’d have to clean up. I decided to play the long game.

“Sure thing, darlin’,” I said and sauntered over with the bottle. The sides of my mouth curled into a smile as I filled the shot glass to the rim. “On me,” I purred and headed back to my perch in the corner. From over my shoulder, I heard the empty glass hit the wood. I grinned when I caught Steve and Jimmy’s mixed expressions of surprise and horror at my unexpected response. “Now, we wait,” I said casually.

After twenty minutes of barely any sign of life, the guy cocked his head towards me. “Bathroom?”

“Straight back, doll.” The bar was a long wide rectangle with three doors in the back. One door was to the office, one to the emergency exit, and the other was to the unisex bathroom. All clearly marked. No further instruction needed.

The guy got up, sidestepped to the right a few feet from his stool. He paused and then countered with three sidesteps to the left. Once he was back where he started, he focused and headed toward the back. Four steps into his forward advance, his left foot caught the back of his right ankle, and he pitched forward. He fell like a lone tree in a forest.

THWACK

The music from the jukebox had absorbed the sound of the guy’s forehead hitting the hardwood floor, preventing it from reaching Steve and Jimmy at the pool table. I got up from my perch and peered over the bar and stools. The guy was face down, motionless, arms at his sides. His hat had popped off on impact.

“Hey…Steve?” At twenty-five, I had already seen far more dead bodies than I should have. Desensitized by my bad social choices, my tone unintentionally lacked urgency.

“What,” he barked, bent over the table poised to take a shot but didn’t look up.

I patiently waited for Steve to make his shot. When he did, “A little help here,” I asked calmly as I pointed to the floor.

Steve and Jimmy’s initial annoyance of having to stop their game to pick the drunk guy up off the floor vanished when they approached. Something was disturbing about how stock-still he was.

“Is he dead?” Steve looked at me, eyes wide with astonishment.

“You tell me. You’re closer.” I remained behind the bar and watched with what could be perceived as an unsettling detachment.

“Jesus Christ,” Jimmy said with alarm as he went pale.

Jimmy and Steve carefully pried the guy off the floor. His head slumped forward into his chest. He mumbled incoherently, indicating he wasn’t dead, which came as a general relief. But his skinny limbs floundered and splayed like The Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz. Jimmy and Steve abandoned the idea of getting him to his feet. Instead, they sat him up, and his head lolled back.

It was at that moment that the extent of his damage was displayed. A large gash stretching from his brow bone well into his receding hairline suddenly split open like a crevasse at least an inch wide. Blood gushed down the guy’s face and neck into his shirt like a river. All three of us stared directly at his exposed skull. The shocking white amidst the gore was mesmerizing.

“Fuuuck,” Jimmy said in a heavy whisper, panic in his eyes. “That’s a lot of blood.”

“Headwounds always gush like that,” I offered, attempting to downplay the scene but not dispute.

The guy’s head tipped to the side, and blood poured onto the floor like an open faucet, expanding into a crimson pool that glistened like candy in the fluorescent lighting.

“Call 911!” Jimmy’s voice suddenly shrill and angst-filled.

“No!” Steve yelled. “We’ll get shut down.” He looked at Jimmy, “We got to bring him to the ER ourselves.”

Quickly resigning to his forced participation, Jimmy nodded. “Alright. My van’s half a block away. I’ll pull it out front.” He shook his head and left.

While we waited for Jimmy to return, I unraveled half a roll of paper towels to place on the blood puddle. I stepped back and pondered what someone would see if they walked in the door. It looked exactly like what it was: a big wad of bloody paper towels in the middle of the floor. I put a barstool over it to hide it in plain sight.

Steve took the rest of the paper towels and mummied the guy’s entire head, ripping open a mouth hole with the assumption that he was still breathing. The white paper towels splotched with cherry red. The guy was drenched in blood which meant Steve was probably covered in it too, but it wasn’t noticeable. I would never again tease him about his hideous Hawaiian shirts.

It wasn’t until the door flew open that we realized one of us should have locked it. The sunlight streamed in on Steve and the guy like a spotlight on an active crime scene. Fortunately, it was just Jimmy returning. His van was double parked out front.

Steve grabbed the guy’s legs, but Jimmy hesitated. “I can’t get blood all over my work van.” It was a reasonable protest.

I watched them struggle with what to do next. “Wrap him in the cover to the pool table,” I enthusiastically advised like I was Martha fucking Stewart. “You can throw it in the washing machine later.”

“Great idea!” Steve dropped the guy’s legs and trotted to the office to retrieve it.

“Yeah, great idea,” Jimmy said, a little unnerved at how quickly I solved this unique dilemma. He avoided eye contact with me.

Steve returned with the cover, and he and Jimmy folded it to make a stretcher. As they lifted the guy onto it, I opened the door, and they awkwardly ambled outside and across the sidewalk to the back of the van. No one noticed. No one cared. It was just another day in upper Manhattan on the threshold of Harlem.

The nearest hospital was two blocks away. Jimmy and Steve returned in record time, even for a dump and dash. “Holy shit, that was fast,” I exclaimed as they walked through the door, the bar still empty.

“Yeah,” Steve gruffed. “Security guard wouldn’t let us leave until we filled out a report.” He smiled, “I was trying to figure out how we were gonna get out of it when Jimmy here asked for some towels to stop the bleeding. As soon as the guard turned his back, we bolted.”

Steve went to work cleaning up the blood on the floor, threw the towels, his shirt, and the guy’s hat into a trash bag, and took it out the back. Jimmy sat at the bar, silently staring at the row of bottles in front of him as he processed the event that took place.

I was afraid to ask but did anyway. “Was he alive?”

“He was when we left,” Jimmy said calmly.

“Good. You want a beer? On me.”

“No, thank you. I have to get to my next location.” Jimmy went to the back, retrieved his tool bag, and strolled out the door.

“See you next week,” I said with a friendly smile as Jimmy waved a hand before disappearing into the wash of daylight.

Shortly after, Steve reappeared wearing one of the bar’s T-shirts smelling of disinfectant. He returned to his newspaper and half-eaten chicken wings. I went back to being bored.

Into the Wild Kids

Into the Wild Kids

Since I moved to Los Angeles, I’ve seen variations of them all over from Melrose Ave to the beaches of Venice and Santa Monica. Modern-day nomads, living day to day, moving from one place to another to another, walking, hitchhiking, by whatever means available with nothing more than a backpack and the clothes on their back. Some of them have signs stating they’re trying to get to a certain destination, asking for a ride and or money to get there. This generation’s hippie kids or Into the Wild Christopher Candless wannabes.

They were two guys, early twenties, dirty and dreaded hair that could possibly be blond on better days. Normally I’d smile, say hi and keep going but it was their two dogs that caused me to stop. One looked like a cattle dog mix and the other some kind of hound pit combo. The hound mix looked exhausted. I asked permission to pet them and the guys obliged. I struck up a conversation with them. Their goal was to make it to all 50 states before they picked a place to live. They were currently hitchhiking their way to Mount Shasta, more than 500 miles from LA. As they spoke, I noticed one had a mouth full of rotting teeth while the other had a perfect smile. Both smelled like tired adventurers. They seemed like stoners but sharp, streetwise like they would have to be to survive off strangers.

The one with the nice smile owned the hound mix and I couldn’t help but notice she was either coming out of or going into heat. I steered our conversation towards her. The gist of their story, the guy got her from a rescue a few years back. She was vaccinated but not spayed at the time of adoption. Because the guy and his friend were on the move, he was unwilling to stay long enough for the dog to have surgery and recover. The rescue released the dog anyway. Don’t get me started.

I refrained from asking the dozens of questions swirling in my head and did my best to withhold my contempt. The guy confessed to her having a litter of puppies and again I refrained from asking the obvious. I told him I could get her spayed for free if he was willing but he wasn’t. He wasn’t against getting her spayed but they didn’t have the time; they were leaving the area that night. He made it sound as if they had something waiting for them in Mount Shasta and it was going to take a few weeks to get there as it was. Short of me driving him, his buddy and two dogs there myself, there was nothing I could do. I warned him about the dangers of pyometra in unspayed females and urged him to look into resources for her when he got there. He said he would and that was how I left it.

I went into the supermarket and returned to them with four bottles of water. In return, they gave me a flower made from a strip of Sunday palm. They said it was nice talking with me and I wished all of them safe passage on their travels. I understood “the calling,” the desire to see more of the world than what’s in front of you. I moved to Los Angeles on a whim. A whim that actually landed me in Arizona first because plans fell apart. I still remember the day the calling hit. It was a 24-hour road trip to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Ohio. I stood in the middle of an empty interstate while my friend peed in some bushes. I looked out at the open road leading West and thought about the sights and adventures that lay in that direction. A few years later I was driving across country.

I would have applauded these two guys for their sense of adventure and freedom if it wasn’t for their stupidity and selfishness to force two dogs into their journey.pexels-photo-313415.jpeg